[cross posted on wannabebacker.com]
… *stares at blank page*...
Well, it's wintertime again and I finally feel "normal." Which isn't usually the case when wintertime rolls around.
But with fun snow days like these it's hard to feel sad sometimes.
Usually, by now I'm feeling the beginnings of SAD creeping in. However, this year I went a little into myself for a bit over most of the summer. While I didn't have as tough a bout with post-partum depression like I did in 2020, I was still struggling a little with PPD.
My recovery took a little longer than I expected and again my hormones were all over the place. I had severe anxiety about Stella's breathing-- I don't know why I was fixated on that, but I was. Once she hit the month-old mark in June, we did a family trip down to Missouri and things seemed to be going great.
Then at the end of June, after a rough day trip with the kids, I kind of lost my motivation for a lot of things. I'm starting to think this blog should get renamed "wannabe mentally assured and happy" but I digress.
In August, another blogger I follow in the backpacking/women community put out a call for essays on hiking as a woman and the struggle's you've experienced on the trail. So, I put my struggle into words-- it probably wasn't the right demographic to submit to but hey it got me out of my funk--kinda.
A few writing projects didn't pan out (reject letters are rough) and I backslid again. It's just been a tough couple of months but there is always a bright side. On a positive note, during this time-- my poetry stuff on Instagram was doing great until just after my maternity leave ended in August. * I also had an article I wrote for one of my graduate classes published in the Graduate Review for UNK.
*(Don't worry I've got some stuff for that too coming up in the new year).
The Backstory:
After my second little adventurer Stella was born, I decided to do a day hike out to the Cowboy Trail Bridge just outside Valentine. It did not go well. I was a little over a month and a half post-partum and my c-section was still bugging me. Hunter, while he is communicating better, was still a two-year-old and didn't understand why I wanted to keep going and not play with the rocks on the trail. I had a meltdown we regrouped with rocks- Hunter loves playing with rocks- and got to the Bridge and back to the car. Then we had ice cream.
I posted a TikTok clip video of the hike. You can tell I'm a little upset when we're on the bridge. Most folks just thought it was from carrying both kids for the last little bit. Although it was hard, I found the positives of that day. It just took a little while.
I'm still working on myself and how to hike with littles-- we're going to take some awesome adventures in 2024!
Wannabe Hiking Mom
Day Hikes and Baby Wipes: Cowboy Trail Bridge
[there are not many pictures to this one, I was taking more videos that day]
I started hiking at a young age and spent a lot of my youth outside in nature. It inspired me to grow up and become a park ranger. However, everyone has a gap in their knowledge and for some odd reason I don’t recall people talking about backpacking growing up. It wasn’t until I started college that I found out you could go on camping and hiking trips for weeks on end. For some reason it never dawned on me then I went on a reading frenzy and devoured Bill Bryson’s A Walk in the Woods and Cheryl Strayed’s Wild, among others.
I spent a lot of time reading and planning backpacking trips. Then I spent a lot of time procrastinating going on those backpacking trips—I always figured I would have more time once I was done with college, or once I got a promotion at work.
Oh wait, I just got married and now we’re having babies—oh and a pandemic was thrown in there too. I always figured things would slow down and I could get my backpacking gear and hiking boots dirty.
I did get to go on my first official backpacking trip while on a work trip to the Grand Canyon. It inspired me to write about my experience and create a blog about my wannabe proclivities. I add posts sometimes when my ducks get in a row…
I scaled back on hiking after my son was born. Between the Covid Pandemic, work, and figuring out how to be a mother I just didn’t have time for myself—or so it seemed. I didn’t have time for anything it felt because I always had to be on. In turn I was drowning and didn’t realize it. It wasn’t until my husband pointed out I wasn’t reading, writing, hiking, or taking photos that we—well I, realized something was wrong.
Postpartum depression is an insidious thing.
With a little help I was back to my old self—almost. Yet, due to luck—good or bad depending on how you looked at it, I took on more duties at work since we were short staffed. As I mentioned, I work as a park ranger, so I spend a lot of my time hiking and canoeing. I was back out in nature and reading again. However, I was working a lot and exhausted didn’t begin to cover it—fun hiking vacations were out of the picture for a while.
Then because I wanted another hiking buddy for my son and as parents, we were gluttons for punishment, we decided to have our second child. She was born in May of 2023.
Finally, I thought, I will have some of the summer off for maternity leave and kids and I can go hiking!
While this time around the postpartum depression didn’t seem as bad and I came out of it quicker than with my son. I still had a hard time.
Some days, it seemed, I went from being the wannabe backpacker to the wannabe hiking mom that’s one emotional breakdown away from creating childhood trauma for her kids. I switched from doing day hikes to prep for “actual” backpacking trips to doing day hikes to prevent postpartum depression from erasing me.
While it helped me stave off the mental breakdowns, I still had rough days.
At almost two months postpartum I figured a short-day hike with my almost three-year-old would be a good activity. He could go outside and explore and play in nature. The baby could get some sunshine, air, and cuddles with mom. I would bask in nature without cartoons playing in the background. Or that one toy that I still can’t find that has the most annoying noise.
That said, cartoons aren’t bad in moderation. Sometimes they even help you face and begin to work through issues you didn’t realize affected you. Bluey has a way of making you confront aspects of yourself that make you both happy and sad.
I picked a one-mile round trip thinking that it would work best for my little dude. In my mind it would be out in back in under an hour—forty-five minutes if we hustled. Alas, I forgot the key thing about toddlers. They don’t have a set schedule and they never just follow along like a duck.
It started off great, I had him hyped up to go see the cool bridge! We made it onto the Cowboy Trail and started heading west. The trail extends across most of Nebraska and if they ever complete the western reach, it will be the longest Rails to Trails project trail in the states. Barely out of the parking lot we had the first inkling of a problem.
He got distracted by rocks.
I don’t know why but nearly every kid I’ve ever met is fascinated by rocks. They can sit and play with them for hours. In my haste to get out and make it the bridge—I forgot to account for rocks.
After a few minutes he was ready to keep going.
A pretty rock caught his eye.
Another five minutes of sorting rocks and playing in sand.
Finally moving again. There was a deer down a draw I stopped to take a picture of and while I was pulling my camera out, I realized he wasn’t with me.
Another rock caught his attention about ten yards back—in my enjoyment of being outside I didn’t realize he stopped walking with me.
Mom guilt. Then the frustration that he’s messing with rocks again.
The bridge is right there, come on!
Then he caught sight of a butterfly. Oh, look mom there’s a side trail we should take—to follow the butterfly.
The frustration of being less than twenty yards from where I was wanting to go was eating me.
“Come on! We can play with rocks anytime!” My voice taking on an edge that I didn’t like.
“Look mom rocks!”
I lost it. I stomped like a toddler and said, “Let’s go!”
I started to head back to the car—I was done.
He looked bewildered that I wasn’t looking at his rock and I was angry.
Internally, I was thinking, “Why can’t you just listen to me!? Your dad doesn’t have this problem—he can just go do the things he wants to do. He doesn’t even have to ask before he does what he likes.”
I was stomp-walking when my little man’s voice cut through my frustration.
“I sorry mom—but pretty rock.”
My child was apologizing to me for my anger issues.
I stopped.
I felt like the worst mom in the world and went from being angry to being guilty.
I got sucked into this idea that getting to point of interest was more important to my mental health than actually taking the time to relax and just walk with my favorite little boy—and look at the rocks. Something that used to bug me hiking with people—just hiking to get to the point and back to the car, but not experiencing it.
I started bawling like the newborn I was carrying. I sat down right in the middle of the trail and cried. Thankfully, it was a Tuesday morning, and no one was out hiking yet.
My son came up to hug me and kiss my cheek—doing what I normally do when he’s frustrated.
I cried for a while, and he just patted my back and played with rocks near where we were sitting.
After I regained my composure, I asked if he wanted to go see the bridge still or if he wanted to go home.
He pointed towards the bridge and yelled “go!”
We stopped to look at a lot of rocks over the next couple yards. Then momma had to carry him and his sister back to the car for a nap.
Then we got ice cream!
I’m grateful for my children and we’re going on more hikes for the fun of what we can find instead of how fast we can get to the goal. Sometimes I still get frustrated.
Sometimes I go hike by myself.
Sometimes I cry.
We don’t stop wandering though.
[I debated on whether or not to post this at all but decided to leave it in 2023. I submitted this to an anthology, and it didn't get picked up--it probably wasn't what they were looking for, but it fits with my story overall.]
Keep wandering with your head up,
BJ
P.S. If you're struggling with anything--talk to someone, another mom, a friend, a therapist, or your dog.